Rock Steady

Forget Interview With a Vampire. What about an interview with an ex?

KtG: Hey there... I always wondered if this conversation would happen. I mean, it's been a long time since we've spoken... and yet I think about you - voluntarily or not - at least every other day.

Him: Well, darlin'. It's nice to talk to you, too. What's this all about anyway? Lots of time has passed but I have an idea of what's goin' on - I catch your blog from time to time. Still, it's not like we talk or anything.

KtG: I have to say, this wasn't really anything I felt like sharing with you, or the world for that matter. But I guess it all came about after I had a few glasses of wine with some friends and heard Anthony Kiedis on the radio. Really, if I knew all those moments would have had this Pavlov's Dog kind of reaction on me, then I would have never let you play Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik every. single. time. I was with you.

Him: Whatever. It's not like you didn't like it. Besides... I was sick of all that acoustic Dave Matthews crap that you would play with him. I guess I needed to come up with my own theme music. Right?

KtG: Riiight. You know, I didn't really intend on having this conversation with you, either. But you hijacked my thoughts... er, Anthony Kiedis did, and so here we are - having this imaginary chat. And I'm okay with that. In fact, I think at this point I'd enjoy spending a conversation with you. A lot of shit is under the bridge - if you forgive the pun - and I guess I'm just curious or wondering how you're doing.

Him: You know what, you don't need to know shit about what I'm doing. But since you're so interested, things are great. I love my wife and I adore my children.

KtG: Dude. No need to get pissy. I really don't want to upset your applecart. I don't mean to disrupt any of your shit - I just wonder about the past, you know? And I guess you are a fraction of my past - good, bad or indifferent. It's not my fault I thought about you tonight.

Him: That's cool - as long as that's all it is. But if you're wondering, yeah, I am pretty happy with the way things are. I'm still doing what I love and I have a family I treasure... so I guess things are really good.

KtG: That sounds wonderful, and in some ways I'm kinda jealous. I guess we all end up where we really want to be, right? I'm really happy with the way my life is, too. I finally got out of TV and have grown up a lot since back in the day. I'm involved in a bunch of things and I have an amazing group of friends. I guess I'm not the girl you had to clean up after a drunken drama anymore. Or was that you?

Him: That's a cheap shot. But I'll give you that... because that evening was pretty awful, and I have the scar to prove it. So tell me, are you liking life out of the newsroom? I mean, really? 'Cause I remember the raving bitch you used to be in the newsroom when you didn't get your way. And it seemed you kind of liked things the way they were.

KtG: Yeah. I've mellowed out a ton. Don't know if it's time or maturity or perspective - but I've changed immensely. My confidence isn't... You know, I don't think I really want to share much more with you about my professional or personal lives. You said it yourself - you read the blog, so you know everything about me... or at least everything I share. I guess what I really want to talk about is... what would have been.

Him: What would have been? Like what? What would have been if you stayed in town and weren't so clingy?

KtG: Whatever. What I mean, is, I guess if we had stayed together and I followed your lead - then maybe I would still be in town. Maybe things would have turned out different for us. I guess I have wondered on more than one occasion what would have happened if we had stayed together and if I had stayed in the business.

Him: First of all, you're the one having this imaginary conversation, so you can brush off clingy all you want - it's obvious you developed some sort of attachment. But in regards to your comment, if things would have been so different, tell me your little fantasy. I'm curious.

KtG: Well, I don't really know. Lots of time has passed and I've discovered more about what's important to me, and I guess I realize that I don't think much of it is important to you. It would have made things really difficult along the way. I'm guessing we'd be divorced by now, or extremely miserable. But that doesn't mean our lives wouldn't be different than they are now.

Him: Yeah. I guess if we were together - then I think things would be different, too.

KtG: How?

Him: Well, I guess in some ways you get what I do. I think the one good thing is you would have been supportive of what I do. I mean, I adore my wife and she is totally supportive of what I do, but I think you have a more solid sense of appreciating all the bull shit I go through... you would get all the crap that folks outside of the business don't.

KtG: That was one thing that I always loved about you. Your talent. Really, I don't think we'd be anywhere near this area if we were still together. Honestly? I think we'd be in Denver or Minneapolis. 'Cause I think I'd wanna go where you'd flourish, and I've had job opportunities in both cities. It would have definitely been a different scene. But I also wonder whether I'd be lonely.

Him: Well, if we were together, why would you be lonely? Granted, this is all Let's pretend, but why would you feel alone if we were together? Don't you think we could have held things together? As I remember, there were a few occasions where things clicked just fine.

KtG: You changed for her, but would you have changed for me? And how much changing would you have gone through? I would have needed more than a good dad and a fun husband. I would have needed a fellow adventurer to seek out new excursions in life - whether they be new restaurants around town or far-flung vacation spots. I guess that's a little bit different than going to the beach with the kids, right?

Him: Don't talk about my fucking kids. I love my kids. Don't say shit about my kids.

KtG: Seriously. You've got to do something about the hostility. You were always a hostile person, but really, it's been years since we've talked and I really don't harbor any bad feelings about you anymore. I think more than enough time's passed for you to get over whatever wrongs or indiscretions may have passed back in the day.

Him: Fine. You're right. What were you gonna say?

KtG: Well, what I was going to say is - I still don't think I'm ready for kids. I'm ready for seeing the world and experiencing new things and going to fun parties. I'm not a homebody. I don't want to cook you dinner every night. I don't want to have to pick up the toys in the den. I don't want to have to take the trash bag (full of poopy diapers) to the garbage can. I don't think we had much in common other than our profession, so maybe things worked out for the best. That doesn't mean I don't wonder.

Him: Yeah. I don't know if it would have worked, either. But it doesn't mean I'm not curious about what's up with you. Just because I'm married and in love with my wife doesn't mean I don't wonder. We all wonder about the past on occasion.

KtG: Well, I guess we're doing what we were meant to be doing. I guess it all works out the way it's supposed to.

Him: I guess so.

KtG: Well, I've gotta go. I've got some stuff to take care of, and I hear your kids in the background.

Him: It's been nice talking to you. Despite the the attitude, it doesn't mean I don't think about you, either.

KtG: I wondered about that, too. It's too bad we didn't part as friends. I think we could have really hit it off if we didn't let the rest of the mess get in the way. Oh well, what was - was. Right?

Him: Right. Best of luck and I'll see you around the internet.

KtG: Okay... best of luck with your disolves and other tricks. And dude, - don't hold this imaginary conversation against me. It was all Anthony Kiedis' fault. Really... most of the time I don't feel like sharing this shit... but it came at his suggestion.

Note: This interview is fictional in nature and doesn't represent anything of any substance - other than a few historic incidents and emotions that may or may not have transpired in the past.

Other than that, it's total bunk.