Commando Bridesmaid

Kate the Great and The Bride just moments before walking down the aisle.

What is better than having a big ass party with some of your best friends?

I was so proud and pleased to get a chance to stand up for my good friend The Bride, who tied the knot with Mr. Taylor Saturday night. The couple started dating three years ago, and I always wondered whether Mr. Taylor would actually settle down and do away with his bad bachelor habits. It's nice to see he was wise and snagged a good one while she was still willing to be snagged.

The weekend started Friday afternoon at my old church, the Cathedral of Christ the King in Lexington K-Y. The officiant was this spry Irish priest who used to be involved in our young adult bible study (who knew Kate had such a churchy past?) who took the bridal couple over to Ireland last winter. The groom had been teasing the bride, saying he was going to show up at the church on their wedding day in a kilt. Well, Fr. Patrick and Mr. Taylor decided to pull a stunt on the bride, throwing off vestments and showing a little more than some leg under black watch plaid. It was really cute..

Afterwards, I showed up at the rehearsal dinner and was a bit confused as to where the fete was. The quaint vineyard looked like a political party convention, with signs promoting the city's incumbent mayoral candidate. Fortunately, Teresa Isaac was in the wrong place and she and her yard signs high tailed it to another part of the winery.

The party closed up shop early because we were in for a long day Saturday. By 9 AM, the bride and us bridesmaids were sitting pretty and ready to get our hairr did for the afternoon wedding. I went with something very Grace Kelly, sleek and off the face, wrapped in a big, pretty bun in the back. Afterwards, where else do a bunch of hot lookin' girls go to kill some time in Kentucky? Wal-Mart. We were walking up and down the aisles to get kleenex, complete with our big bouffant hairstyles (and the bride in her veil), teasing that we heard the big box store was running a special on husbands.

If only it was that easy, right?

Now, I'm not a big make-up person. I can usually get by with some cover up, an eyelash curler, mascara and some lip balm. But Saturday was different. I knew there'd be all kinds of pictures and videos floating out there for generations to come, and so that meant I had to spend some quality time smoothing on the warpaint. I had no idea I'd spend something like an hour + putting on the pancake and other crap on my face. I think the pimples are just starting to settle down.

The dress. Beautiful. Floor length, cranberry halter with a deep V (yes, every bridesmaid had some major cleavage goin' on) and some rhinestones at the chest. The only trouble - it showed everything. And basically I mean underwear when I say everything. So I was forced to make a decision - keep the g string and basically show it (is there something called Invisible Whale Tail?) or go sans. I guess there's nothing wrong with being the Commando Bridesmaid... though it kind of made me feel a little dirty inside.

I was a bit worried as to whether I would reveal my bare bottom secret at the reception, what with all the dancing that was burning up the dance floor. Don't you love a reception that's fun? None of that stuffy no drinking, no dancing crap here. The wine/beer/bourbon was flowing into the wee hours, fully inspiring people to break out the hippest and most old school of dance moves. The Shopping Cart, The Flight Attendant, The Running Man and The Sprinkler were all yanked out of the annals of the Dance Move Archives for a little showmanship in the crowd.

There was no contest when the bouquet was tossed. The bride stood square in front of me I think intentionally and lobbed it right into my hand. It was to my favor that most of the single chicks at the wedding stood at around 5'4" or less, puny in comparison to my 5'11" (thanks to the three inch heels). I pretty much just plucked the tightly bound roses right out of the air, much to the chagrin of my worthy opponents.

God, it's great to be a bridesmaid.

Best wishes to a wonderful couple who are embarking on the most spectacular journey of their lives.