Bwwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!!

Shopping List

Temporary fangs $7.00
Window pane hose (like fishnets but bigger holes) $14.00
A roll of blue saran wrap $5.00
A few body sequins $9.00
Fake nose piercing $4.00


Seeing Kate on Halloween: Priceless

...Oh, And One Of Those Schwinns With The Cool Streamers

Dear Birthday Fairy,

Hi, it's been a while since we've talked... but seeing as you're going to be visiting me soon, I figure I'll drop you a little ditty giving you a heads up on what I'd like.

I really liked the moose flannel PJs you sent my way a few years ago, but I don't think anything with cartoon figures is really appropriate for any woman kissing the final moments of her 20s, don't you?

I heart the above sweater. I found it on a website... It's called a "swancho" and it can be worn, like, a gazillion different ways. The boys (as in lefty Woodward and righty Bernstein) and I size up to be a large. Just an idea.

Other things on my birthday list:

A box of condoms. Nope, I really don't have many uses for 'em, but there's nothing like being prepared should I hit the motherload of lovin'.

A subscription to Esquire or GQ. I'd like a glimmer of some insight into what men are looking for. I've done it all, I've been it all. The only thing I haven't been is attached to someone wanting a real commitment.

A bag of 20s. This one comes highly recommended by my Honorary Big Sis. After years asking for it, she finally got one for Christmas. I figure, there's no time like the present to ask for some cold, hard cash.

Lip collagen. I've been using that special lip gloss (Pump 'Em Up by Sugar, if you must know) that gives my kisser a "stung by a bee" look. It works alright for about 15 minutes... then my lips look their usual self (my bottom lip is naturally a bit pouty, but the top could use a boost.) I hear guys go for the DSL look, so maybe a shot in lips is in order. Note to self: Tell doctor to stop before we get to the Goldie Hawn stage. Courtesy letterman.iscool.com

I think I'd also like a live-in maid. I don't really have a spot for them to live, really, but I do generate enough of a mess to warrant the frequent attention. I've got a comfortable pull-out couch said maid could sleep on in between giving his or her (but preferably his) undivided attention to the dishes in my kitchen sink and the walk in closet that my bedroom has become. I really think I'm on to a new decorating style, what with all the clothing that covers my carpet like, well, a carpet. This live-in maid would have to survive on the scraps of food in my refrigerator and pantry and would never expect some kind of weekly, living wage. Oh, and any other "relations" would be considered a fringe benefit.

So, Birthday Fairy. These are just a few of my ideas. You've got plenty of time to round it all up before December 1st.

In the meantime, I'll be waiting, lips perfectly puckered in anticipation of their shot.

re: Pumpkinville

Hi Kate,
Mom reminded me that I used to call you "pumpkin" when we lived in Charlotte and you were very young. The people at S*********, the company I worked for at the time, remarked that I referred to my daughter as my pumpkin too. The secretaries thought that was pretty cute because they had not heard anyone refer to their kids as pumpkins before. One Sunday we were on a ride down near Greenville, SC, and we drove by a sign on a two lane road that said "Pumpkinville." I had a camera with me and I stopped the car and Mom took a picture of me standing next to the sign of "Pumpkinville." I think I was holding you in my arms and I sent a copy of the picture to S*********. They loved it. So, if you really like autumn, there may be a good reason for that. You and I were really good buddies when you were little and I always took you with me when I ran my errands and you loved going with me.
Happy Halloween......................pumpkin!
Love,
Dad

Sidney Bristow or Lucy Liu

I need to look like someone else, and fast.

Let me explain. I'm not in the witness protection program, nor do I have a wife beater boyfriend (though you might jump to some different conclusions if you saw the massive, soda can sized bruise on the back side of my upper arm. However, that's just a casualty of being a fun girl in high heeled shoes).

I am going to a Halloween costume party this weekend and I need a good costume. I am considering bringing out my old standard Pink Wig (you know what pink wig I'm talking about) and the classic blue saran wrap. I'm thinking EuroTrash Club Kid.

My other idea is a poker straight (ha ha... Kate said poker), jet black wig with fish nets and lots of eye make-up. Very Dominatrix.

Any other ideas out there?

PS... Kate and her cronies are going to a Halloween party this Saturday night. It will cost ya 40 clams, but that's for all you can eat and drink. Plus, the party is a stone's throw away from Kate's apartment, so we'll be doing some pre and post partying Chez Moi. You all are welcome to crash on my newly vacuumed carpet if you know how to get there.

So, I didn't go on vacation or anything

I've just been incredibly busy. No time to spin by the library or steal a few minutes at work (eek!) to update the blog.

Here's this week's Friday's Feast.

Appetizer
Do you button shirts top-to-bottom or bottom-to-top?
Bottom to top. I dunno, I guess it's so I can consider leaving things breezy once I hit the button that's below my bosoms. Seriously, I have no idea why I'm a bottom-to-top kind of girl. Ew, that sounds kind of gross.

Soup
What is your favorite sandwich?
I love Club sandwiches, grilled cheese, BLT's and burgers. I pretty much haven't met a sandwich I didn't like.

Salad
What was a family project you helped work on as a child?
I was big on helping with seasonal raking of the leaves and the also seasonal shoveling. I also loved helping my mom make sugar cookies at Christmas. I loved putting the colored sprinkles and the silver dragees on them.

Main Course
When have you acted phony?
I act phony when I am around people with whom I don't feel comfortable. Rich snobs or ghetto gangstas, I guess I try to put on a false air of confidence so they can't "smell" my insecurity. Other than that, I'm pretty genuine. I might take the polite approach (as opposed to the more direct route), but that doesn't neccessarily mean it's phony.

Dessert
Do you write letters or postcards? If so, to whom?
I used to be a big letter person. I have quite an arsenal of stationary in this silver, kind of pirate- chest-looking box. Now I barely have the time to shoot an email. I'd much rather pick up the phone and catch up that way, as I just love hearing the lilts and giggles and outbursts in my dear friends' voices.

Wow. You Look Exactly The Same As Your Yearbook Picture...

So I recently got invited to my high school reunion. The 10 year reunion. The reunion where people showing up are actually supposed to have some kind of legitimate livelihood, something to be proud of and likely a family on the way.

Well. Two out of three ain't bad, right?

I can't make it because I'll be working through the Thanksgiving holiday. I'm kind of bummed that I won't be able to go because I sometimes fantasize about the opportunity to catch up with all those people who wouldn't sit with me at lunch and find out if their lives are still really as great as I romanticized them to be. Very Romy And Michelle, right?

The reunion made a few questions percolate to the surface. A) Would people change enough to forget about the cliques and catch up with people they wouldn't even rub elbows with in the hallways? B) Would old classmates be overly critical ("So-and-so is only a paralegal!" "Poor what's-his-name. He's been through three divorces, and he's only 28.") about another's particular station in life?

I am pretty happy with the way my life is turning out. No doubt I've had my share of ups and downs (and they're all written about here, so there! to all the people who think I've got something to be embarrassed about!) but by in large I am very happy with the way my heart is turning out, and that's what really matters, right?

A blossoming career in television news is nothing to scoff at, either.

Anyway, I guess some crowded bar isn't really the place I go to get a reality check on my value in the world (which is kind of funny because that's how so many people spend every weekend night, including myself circa 2002). I feel good about myself when I walk out of church, I feel loved when I'm in the arms of my parents and I feel blessed any time I have the chance to spend a few minutes with a child.

God has done a lot to let me know I'm loved, I'm special and needed on this Earth.

That's the only reunion I really need.

Jello Shots Before Curtain Call?

I've already told you all how I have season tickets to Cincinnati's Broadway Live series (in a roundabout kind of way through work. But it counts).

"Cats" hits the stage next week.

Anyone wanna go see men dressed up as pussies in spandex?

Sorry. I had to.

I was having a down moment and that totally cheap joke made for the faintest crinkle of a smile on my mug.

Wrappers Delight

So. That's what my sister Mary Bee called the kids in high school who looked a little, uh, homeboy.

I remember her talking about that clique, using this hand gesture with her wormy fingers... kind of like that wave thing you know you do when your windows are rolled down.

Anyway.
This purse got me thinking about those days.

It's made of recycled candy wrappers, soda labels and other recycled garbage born-again into this cool clutch.

The brand is called Ecoist and it reminds me of one of the best purses in my collection. I have this red and silver, small handbag that always draws a compliment every time it gets pulled out of the closet.

I think I may have to add one of these to my collection. I would be doing my part to save the Earth, right?

My Name Is, My Name Is, My Name Is... Slim Katy

I hate it when people use "Hey, girl," as a general salutation.

A) I am not a girl. I am a woman.
B) I am not your subordinate.
C) I know you are using this casual generalization to cover up the fact you don't know my name.
D) It sounds so Redneck. I am not a Redneck.

I know nice people use this greeting, and I don't judge people who do. I just hate it.

It's like nails on a chalkboard to me.

For The Days You Want To Put The "2 Buck Chuck" Away And Live Like a High Roller

My old/new hometown newspaper has a great article today for those of you who like a little wine with your dinner.

I, on the other hand, think any occasion is a great one for wine. I've become really interested in sharpening my tastebuds so I can sound like Miles in Sideways.

Miles Redmond: "A little citrus. Maybe some strawberry. Mmm. Passion fruit, mmm, and, oh, there's just like the faintest soupçon of like, uh, asparagus, and, there's a, just a flutter of, like a, like a nutty Edam cheese."

For you winos on a budget, take heed, the Cincinnati Enquirer breaks down how to find a good wine deal. If you're in a rush, here's a list of the ten best bottles under ten bucks.

Whites 1. Blue Fish Riesling 2004 ($9.99) 2. Basa Blanco 2004 ($9.99) 3. Las Brisas Blanco 2004 ($9.99) 4. J&F Lurton Pinot Gris 2004 ($7.99) 5. Veramonte Sauvignon Blanc 2004 ($8.99)

Reds 1. Santa Ema Carmenère 2003 ($8.99) 2. Pelican by Laurence Feraud 2003 ($8.99) 3. Leasingham Magnus Shiraz-Cabernet 2001 ($9.99) 4. Equis Viñas Viejas 2003 ($7.99) 5. Calina Carmenère 2002 ($8.99)

In vino, veritas!

Random Tests Kate Took Thursday

What Annoying B-List Celebrity is Kate?

Which Annoying B-list Celebrity Are You?
Brought to you by Rum and Monkey.

Which Evil Criminal is Kate?

Which Evil Criminal are You?
A Rum and Monkey crime.

What is Kate?
I'm an irredeemably eejitous, liberal, not-too-generous, not-too-selfish, relatively well adjusted human being!
What are you?
Brought to you by Rum and Monkey


Is Kate damned?

Are You Damned?
Brought to you by Rum and Monkey

Which Office Moron is Kate?

Which Office Moron Are You?
Rum and Monkey: jamming your photocopier one tray at a time.

You Can't Teach An Old Dog New Tricks

I'm on a new diet.

Okay, I know I've said that here and here and here. But I think I might have just found something to help ensure my ass gets in gear: A gym buddy. My friend D Money introduced me to another gal, 33, who's in really good shape.

She and I go to the same gym, only she really goes and I just pay my monthly fee and keep my tennis shoes in a locker there.

Well, 33 and I talked last Friday about getting into some kind of pattern in going to the gym. I know I was doing really well months ago when my old gym bunny and I were going regularly (shout out here to my Honorary Big Sis!)

Ever since I moved north of the Mason Dixon line though, it's been a different story. My sleeping schedule is all out of whack, and that's made me a permanent growth on my couch when I'm not running mandatory errands or at work.

Hopefully the gym buddy thing will help. My birthday's in about two months and I'd really like to do a physical renovation before I hit 29.

Goldilocks Goes Carshopping: Once You Go European, You Can't Go Back

Oh, how I've missed air conditioning.

I really had no idea how much I've missed the comforts of climate control until I started cruising in my new wheels yesterday. I was elated at the new experience of power windows and locks (Isn't it amazing that something as simple as door locks can make a girl happy?), thrilled by a fully operational moonroof and a slew of other creature comforts that Gretta Jetta failed to deliver (either because she was born without them, or they just tuckered out over time).

Buying a new car can be scary. Especially for a chick. It doesn't matter how much I swagger in a dealership, or how much I act like I could really give a shit about their cars, the fact is I know nothing about vehicles and must have the word SUCKER tattooed on my forehead.

I broke all the cardinal sins at the Dealership #1. I told them my price ($10K) and target car payment ($300). Yeah, I know. That was really stupid. The guy started showing me $15-18,000 cars saying I could definitely get myself in one of those rides with the right financing.

Riiiight.

Dealer #2 was crazy wacko. Okay, that's a bit of an overstatement. He was a really nice guy, but I don't really need a recovering alcoholic (isn't that too much information for a salesman to share with a customer?) to criticize me because I have my own storied past with alcohol and have opted for a plan of responsibility rather than sobriety? I also don't appreciate it when a salesman gets visibly hostile because I offer up a lowball number to counterbalance the inflated asking price.

Dealer #3 was just right. He didn't put the squeeze on me and he even let me take not one but two test drives all on my own. The sticker price was 2K less than the Kelley Blue Book estimate at a dealership, he cut $200 off the price because I asked him, and I even managed him to shave three percentage points off my interest rate.

You ask: "So what did you get, Kate?"

A 2001 Saab 9-3 turbo. 47,000 miles, Gunmetal Gray, five speed with moonroof, CD player, cruise control, seat warmers, power windows/locks, fog lamps, alloy wheels, audio controls on the steering wheel. It's basically got everything but a jar of Gray Poupon.

The previous owner was a woman. She leased it for four years before trading it in. Chicks are usually not as hard on cars (I suppose I exclude myself from that generalization).

The car was a great deal. I am so thrilled to have something reliable, sporty, sexy and I suppose a bit snooty.

Oh, how I've longed for my Sabina Saab.